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名师点评:SAT作文最易忽视的问题(1)

LSAT   点击:次   发布时间:2008-4-10   【字体: 】   来源:sina
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fantasy and imagination

think carefully about the issue presented in the following excerpt and assignment below. \1oX-quekMfh; r [ 本 资 料 来 源 于 贵 州 学 习 网 外语园地LSAT http://Www.gzU521.com ] \1oX-quekMfh; r

 

“when i examine myself and my methods of thought, i come close to the conclusion that the gift of fantasy has meant more to me than my talent for absorbing positive knowledge.”- albert einstein

“there is nothing more dreadful than imagination without taste.”- johann wolfgang von goethe

 

assignment: do you believe that fantasy or imagination is more important than knowledge? plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experiences, or observations.

 

习作修改

学生习作(第一段)

语言修改

where did the knowledge come from? it comes from discoveries and inventions. so[1] it’s not difficult to deduce that the original source of knowledge is fantasy or imagination that can accelerate the progress in both scientific and article fields. there’s no doubt that is there’s no imagination or fantasy at all, knowledge will never exists. so[2] it’s not difficult to get the answer that talent of creativity is more critical for us than the ability to absorb certain knowledge.

where does knowledge come from? it comes from discoveries and inventions. so it’s not difficult to deduce that the original source of knowledge is fantasy or imagination that can accelerate the progress in both scientific and artistic fields. there is no doubt that without imagination or fantasy knowledge would never exist.[3] therefore, it’s not difficult to conclude that talent and creativity are more critical than the ability to absorb knowledge.

本段评点

“知识来自发现和发明。所以,知识的来源是幻想和想象”。这句话既违反逻辑,也不符合事实。人类的许多发现,比如火,比如青霉素,天花疫苗,比如美洲大陆,都是偶然发现的, 与想象力或者幻想没有任何关系。后面的一句,“毫无疑问,没有想象和幻想,知识将不存在”。这句话也让人捏把汗,果真是“毫无疑问”吗?通过前面两个非常有问题的观点,是无法得出 “创造力比吸收知识更重要”这个结论的。这一段给人的感觉是宣布了好几个论点, 而且有的论点明显违反常识。所以这个开头段非常失败。

学生习作(第二段)

语言修改

invention is the result of a creative process, and those inventions or discoveries are often examples taught in today’s class. take electronic light as an example, the inventor of it[4] is edison who had created many things we are using today. he had done more than 3000 experiments before he finally found the correct material that can light enough and not easy to melt at a really high temperature. during his 3000 experiments, he imagines everything in his daily life, including iron, bamboo and even the red beard of his colleagues. his patience and curiosity together with his imagination and fantasy helped him successfully invented[5] the light bulb that we are still using nowadays.

invention is the result of a creative process, and those inventions or discoveries are often examples taught in today’s class.  take electric bulb as an example, the inventor, edison, created many things we are using today. he conducted over 3,000 experiments[6] before he found the correct material to create light and did not melt at high temperatures. during those 3,000 experiments he imagined using many things including iron, bamboo, and even his colleague’s red beard. his patience and curiosity together with imagination and fantasy helped him to successfully invent the light bulb that we still use to this day.

本段评点

这一段用了爱迪生发明灯泡的例子。这个例子用在这里虽然没有什么错误,但是从中学作文,到大学四六级作文,到考研,到托福和gre作文,不论是什么题目,中国学生都喜欢使用这个例子。这样给老外一个印象,中国学生知道的事情实在太少。这个例子里面还有个小错误,那就是爱迪生发明的不是电,而是电灯。t?aJ$U)ld+}% p{[ 此文转贴于我的学习网外语园地LSAT http://www.Gzu521.com]t?aJ$U)ld+}% p{

学生习作(第三段)

语言修改

not only scientists need creativity but also artists need it. the well known artist von gothe used to say that: “there’s nothing more dreadful than imagination without taste.” by that he emphasized the significance of taste. however, as matter of fact[7], in his renowned painting about stars at night, he portrayed a world full of imagination, for instance the star under his pen[8] is just like a whirlpool that gives us infinite fantasy about space and universe.

not only scientists but also artists need creativity.[9] the well known artist von gothe used to say that: “there’s nothing more dreadful than imagination without taste.” by that he emphasized the significance of taste. however, in his renowned painting of stars at night, he presented a world full of imagination such as the stars under his brush are like a whirlpool that allows us infinite fantasies about space and the universe.

本段评点

以上的例子中把作家歌德和画家梵高混淆了。不过这段中作者对于《星空》这幅画的描写给读者留下很好的印象。由此可以看出本文作者兴趣广泛,而且能用自己的语言描述梵高名画《星空》,着实不易。作者在文章写道:for instance the star under his pen is just like whirlpool that gives us infinite fantasy about space and universe.看过梵高名画《星空》的读者,应该知道作者的描述比较准确。可见,作者应该比较喜欢艺术,最起码应该看过梵高的一些画集。

学生习作(第四段)

语言修改

between knowledge and creativity, which one is more important? as far as i considered, knowledge is just[10] based on imagination and fantasy of the people in the past. so[11] we apparently draw the conclusion that ability of creativity is more critical for us than the capability of absorb certain positive knowledge.

between knowledge and creativity, which one is more important? as far as i am concerned, knowledge is based on the imagination and fantasy of people in the past. therefore, we can draw the conclusion that creativity is more critical than the absorption of certain knowledge.

本段评点

结尾段简单地重复了第一段的意思,仍旧是说知识是建立在想象和幻想的基础上的,而且自身段落中的两句话在意思上也是重复的。这样的结尾段不是很有力,给读者的感觉是可有可无,没有起到突出强化自己论点的作用。

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